A Mother’s Journey Through Adoption: A Story of Love and Becoming

What defines a mother? For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted when I got older was to get married and get pregnant with lots of babies- to become a mother. When that dream never seemed to come true, I thought I had failed at the opportunity to become a mom.

Almost 17 years ago, I began my journey to motherhood, the way most people do, getting married at the age of 25. When it wasn’t coming easily, I was shocked to learn that I had severe endometriosis and it would take some scientific intervention to make it happen.

After multiple rounds of failed IUI’s and IVF’s, I was devastated to learn that, at the age of 28, donor eggs were my only hope to get pregnant. How could I have a baby that wasn’t genetically mine? Infertility had essentially led to the demise of my marriage and I was left divorced and childless at the ripe old age of 30.

After reconnecting with my college boyfriend, I was quickly thrust into a stepmom role to a 4-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy. Even though their father had physical custody of the children and they lived mostly with us, I treaded lightly.

I gave them love and support and cared for them as if they were my own children, fully knowing that I was not their “mom” and that one day, they could use the line “I don’t have to listen to you- you’re not my mom”. I had not carried them for 9 months, had zero DNA connecting us, and did not go through the hours and hours of labor that a mother usually goes through.

Still having the urge to become a “mom”, my husband and I went through our own IVF cycles, this time with donor eggs. I had finally come to accept that DNA did not make you a mom, but I was still determined to carry a baby and have that instinctual bond that you get when you are pregnant.

On the first try, we got pregnant and I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t believe the news when the nurse called. Unfortunately, while visiting a friend, I miscarried the day before I came back home. To say it was a traumatic experience is an understatement. After rushing to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room, soaked in my own blood, I left believing that I was still pregnant because they couldn’t rule out that I had miscarried.

Following that miscarriage came my 2nd one. I had heard the heartbeat and was devastated at the next appointment when it wasn’t as strong and even more so when it had stopped the following time. I had a D&C and learned that it was a boy. The last miscarriage came while I was working as a reading specialist at an elementary school.

I tried desperately to go to the hospital but was quickly brought back to reality when told there would be nothing they could do and to just “go home”. Again, soaking in my own blood, I drove myself home and knew I had failed yet again to become a mother.

After more failed attempts, I had to accept the “defeat” and call it quits. My dream of becoming pregnant and carrying a child was never going to come true. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 39 but I still yearned to be called “mom”.

My husband and I decided to pursue adopting a newborn. We were prepared for the long journey ahead but knew that we were getting closer to the end. Not even a year after we had our first adoption meeting, our daughter Ava Grace was born.

The day she was born was one of the happiest days of my life. I was lucky enough to be in the delivery room for the C-section. The birth mother had chosen us to care for her little girl, chosen me to be her mommy.

I could not have felt more honored to take that role on. I cried when they announced her time of birth and felt so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. To add to my story, she was born in the very same state where I had my first miscarriage. It was a true full circle and even though it took so long to find her, I know that I am stronger because of it all and will cherish every moment with her.

Through the years, I have learned that a mother can give a child life. A mom, though, is someone who will raise that child with values, love them through their mistakes, and support them as they navigate through life.

They will always be there for them, no matter what, through good times and bad. The bond that I have with Ava Grace is like no other, even though I did not give birth to her. I will make sure that she grows up knowing that the journey to motherhood looks different for everyone and each one is a beautiful gift.

My path, even though filled with so many years of heartache, tears, and pain, led me right to her and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our connection is strong and I’ve already begun our mommy and me collection because, hey, I’m a mommy now!

Mother’s Day has always been a difficult holiday for me. This year, Ava Grace will turn 3 months old for my first Mother’s Day. It will be a special day for both of us but honestly, I can’t wait until the day when she can say to me, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.”

~ Kimberly Korejwo(IG Handle-ksabo11)

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