How Parents Can Prevent Childhood Bullying: A Powerful Protective Role

Disclaimer: The photo of the model used in this article on childhood bullying is for illustrative purposes only and does not depict the emotional state or experiences of the character in the story in any way.

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can injure me permanently” 

Most of us have heard this idiom. It has been used for centuries to circumvent the emotional distress caused by unkind and intentionally harmful words. While this statement seems to be phasing out, it does provide us with a helpful indicator of the way we have been socialized to cope with verbally abusive language.

I have altered this adage to better account for damages caused by demeaning language, social neglect, and stigmatizing labels.

We have become far more aware and proactive regarding physical abuse and sexual abuse.  Laws, social movements, and public education efforts have been successful in changing policy and negative stigmas to protect victims of physical violence and all forms of sexual exploitation.

Bullying is a form of abuse that should be included in these efforts and discussions. Bullying is an abuse strategy that can utilize all forms of abuse (physical, sexual, psychological) and is too often delivered by people with underdeveloped cognitive abilities, children. This makes school bullying a major public health issue and one of the greatest social problems internationally.

I realize this is a bold statement; however, based on a plethora of scientific data, it is undeniable true. The immediate and long-term effects of school bullying are interfering with the next generation’s education, stunting their self-esteem and personal growth, and creating mental scars that will not go away in adulthood. I hope this scares you, as much as it scares me.

What drives children and adolescents to become bullies? This is a complicated question, with even more complicated responses from endless individuals and groups. To make it simpler for the purposes of this discussion, I am going to summarize this response into one simple answer.

Young people bully other young people, because of their own mental health issues. Some young people struggling with mental health problems inflict abuse on other young people causing serious mental health issues for even more young people. This makes school bullying a public health crisis threatening societies everywhere.

The immediate effects of school bullying include, but are not limited to, social withdrawal, poor academic performance, lack of motivation, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, and high-risk behaviors (e.g. substance use, promiscuity). These side effects are likely ones we are already familiar with, as well as many others. But we do not often hear the very real, catastrophic, and chronic long-term consequences of being the victim of juvenile bullying.

Psychological trauma is the transgressor I would name as public enemy number one. In my academic training, clinical practice, and in my personal life, I have been convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that unresolved, psychological trauma is the latent monster underlying the bulk of other social problems. These problems include, but certainly not limited to, substance addiction, behavioral addictions, suicide, depression, anxiety, explosive anger, poverty, unemployment, intimate partner violence, child abuse, prison overcrowding, and yes bullying.

Being the victim of bullying is another devastating form of trauma. To make this issue even more debilitating, trauma that occurs during childhood, in most cases, is the most damaging to the mind and the most difficult to treat. While many reasons could be stated, I will simply point to the undeveloped mind of a child or adolescent, as the reason for the magnified consequences of trauma.

We also know that all abuse involves a power and control component, in which one person uses a variety of malicious tactics to gain and retain power and control over another. This form of trauma, one in which a cycle of power and control is present, is particularly psychologically devastating. The power and control cycle is present in the bully-victim relationship.

I realize this is a lot of information to digest, so let’s pause for a moment to review and summarize what we have discussed thus far.

School bullying is not only a real problem, but it is a public health crisis threatening the future of societies around the world. Bullying is a form of abuse that can utilize all forms of abuse and includes a power and control cycle that causes significant short-term and long-term effects to the victim. School bullying is a form of childhood psychological trauma and can lead to a host of adulthood pathologies, including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This is a problem we must take seriously, but what can we do to help? Of course, this depends on what hat we are wearing at the time. This is an issue that affects us all and needs us all to make progress. It requires parents, teachers, administrators, social workers, mental health professionals, public officials, law enforcement, the juvenile justice system, ……..to work together on the same platform. Here we will focus on the role of parents.

The brave young girl and her mother that were willing to share their experiences with you in a previous article are the inspiration leading to the writing of this article. The young lady discusses trying to do what we are all told to do, which is ignore them.

As parents, I think we hope our children can let ignorance roll off them. I have said the same thing to my children.

 But as the young girl courageously shared, this is not a coping skill that always works well in this situation. I wish it did, but bullying is a cycle of power and control that does not stop by simply ignoring it. Many times, like a young child throwing a fit, ignoring the behavior can drive the person to increase his or her efforts to get the desired response.

              Now as adults, we might be able to endure the escalated behavior until it is extinguished.  However, most children do not have the tolerance needed to do that, Additionally, tolerating these behaviors when surrounded by their peers makes this even more difficult.

The mother did the next thing I would do and have done, which is speak to the school. Unfortunately, many times this is also a solution that does not work well with this issue. The reasons for this roadblock are a discussion for another day, but schools do not have the solutions we hope they will, when it comes to protecting our kids from bullying.

This presents parents and the victims of bullying with what can feel like a hopeless situation. Sadly, often we as mental health professionals end up treating the negative consequences of the abuse, because stopping the abuse was not achieved. But is this all there is to do? Is our only solution to get children professional help after the damage is done? No, it is not.

The young girl’s mother in the article gave her a coping skill that does work! In therapy, we call it cognitive challenging or reframing. She helped her daughter see that while 2 of her classmates were calling her names, 22 of them were not. The young girl shared that this was helpful. Bullying, like all trauma, threatens our core beliefs (i.e. our view of ourselves, other people, and the world).

Using this as an example, without the mom’s reframe, the girl may start believing, “I am not likeable” or “I am flawed”. With mom’s alternative thought strand, the girl adapts a belief like, “I like me and there are other people that like me”. This makes an enormous difference in the long-term effects of bullying, as well as the child’s ability to develop adaptive coping skills.

This is one excellent way we can try to help children in these situations, cognitive reframing. We help them view and think about the situation in a less harmful (but also true) way. International research has shown three protective factors (i.e. things that mitigate the effects) for adolescents experiencing bullying. These factors are parental connectedness, parental supervision, and parental bonding.

This is finally some wonderful news! This means that in a situation where the parent and child feel powerless, we are not. It means that parents can help their children without changing anything about the external factors. It means that even though your efforts may not stop abusive behavior; it does make a difference for your child.

Parental Protective Factors in Action for Childhood Bullying:

Connectedness:

1.  Talk to your child consistently about anything and everything.  Even though they may act annoyed, they need to know that you are always interested in what is going on in their day to day.
2. Create an emotionally safe space for your child to share thoughts and emotions.
   1. Judgement-free zone
   1. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen to understand.
   1. Confirm whatever they think, or feel is valid and important
   1. Offer no punishment for honest disclosures
3. Pay attention to your child enough to notice changes in behavior, mood, posture, eye contact……..

Supervision:

1. MONITOR SOCIAL MEDIA!
   1. This is not just to see what they are doing, but also to see what other kids are saying to them. (cyber bullying has proven to be one of the most damaging forms)
   1. The content they are viewing tells you a lot about their headspace and mood.
2. Make your presence known when they are hanging out with their peers. Your child is less likely to be treated poorly, when other kids know you are around and involved.
3. Most harmful actions committed by children occur in the absence of supervision.
   1. Do not leave younger children with older children unsupervised
   1. Make sure your kids and friends know that you could pop in or check in anytime

(Kids and adolescents do have a need for autonomy, independence, and to feel trusted. There needs to be clear boundaries that allow for some of these things, but prevent long periods or areas that completely lack supervision)

Bonding:

1. Engage in activities with your child that you both enjoy on a consistent basis.
2. Make it a point to do things with your child that they enjoy, even if it is not something you enjoy.
3. Provide an adequate amount of QUALITY time, affection, and words of affirmation. Make sure you show up every time possible for the things that are important to them.

Bullying is a serious social problem that causes immediate and long-term issues for the victims. Parents are not capable of tackling this crisis on their own. As parents, we cannot blame ourselves for not having all the answers or not being able to take away all their pain. But we can make a difference, a big one. We are the number one protective factor against these consequences for our children.

               We all can help address this very threatening problem by nurturing our own kids, watching our children for bullying behaviors, bringing it to the attention of schools, and just speaking out about the seriousness of this problem. This is an intimate problem, but the solution is a very public one. Lastly, even though it can feel like it at times, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  You just need to speak up and reach out until you reach an ear that hears and a hand that reaches back. We can do this together!

Leslie A. Hagedorn, MSW, LCSW, Trauma-Specialist

We extend our heartfelt gratitude to Leslie A. Hagedorn for her insightful and skillful elaboration on the critical topic of bullying. Her invaluable guidance can provide a parent of school-going children with practical and effective strategies to respond to and overcome these challenging situations. Her expertise and dedication are truly appreciated.

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